In a dramatic turn of events, Dr. Christina, my boss and best friend, who is an esteemed graduate of an Ivy League School who we will not 
mention in this blogpost due to the malicious need from other alumni to steal her ideas, there has been a new diagnosis of my chicky-issues, made by said Dr. Christina.
Her theory is that it’s all about the spork. The theory is that the Doctor who has been performing the procedures on my chicky-parts has actually been using a spork, in lieu of actual medical instruments. She has determined (quite theoretically) that if we use a CT Scan to go in and look again, what we will actually find is not cancer at all, but spork tines. In an obvious attempt to remedy this awful situation, Dr. Christina has pointed out that if the Doctor would only use a spoon, there would be no leftover radioactive tines to continue this awful charade of cancer. Remove the spork tines – problem solved. 
* * * *
I spent the majority of the day in the hospital yesterday. By majority I mean, I got there at like 2, and I got home about 10:30. It started out yesterday when I started my period. It began with a dull ache in my left side, and then progressively got worse and worse over a 3 hour time frame. By about 1:30, I was on my side bawling my eyes out and then the awesome-attitude-surgery-scheduler girl, Mickey called to give me the abysmal news about when my surgery would be. I asked her to speak to the nurse and she put a message in for me for one to call me back. I heard from the nurse and explained the problem: I started my period this morning, I have dull cramps across the width of my belly, but on my left side it feels like I have a wide butcher knife protruding from my ovary, pulsing sharp shooting, constant pain. She said she was worried that my fallopian tube had torsed, and asked me to go to the ER for testing.
I was not aware that a fallopian tube could do anything but sit there until yesterday. Apparently, with the weight of the cysts and masses in your ovary, it can cause the balance of the ovary to be off, tipping it down, and shutting off the blood flow to the ovary. Thankfully, this is not what was happening to me.
Instead, the mass that’s in that left ovary is apparently hemorrhaging. It’s not bleeding into the ovary, it’s just bleeding into itself and it is very, very painful.
Also a new development is in my ultrasound, they found a new mass in my right ovary, which is brand spankin’ because I just had an ultrasound last Wednesday and that ovary was deemed clear. So, I’m supposed to call Dr. Kelly’s office today so that they can see me asap.
We also got a surgery date, which I’m still trying to calm down over. They’ve set the date for September 3, with a pre-op date of the 26th of August. I am not happy about this. At all. I am starting to feel like a whiney little brat, but is it so much to want this crap out of me ASAP? At first she was talking about the end of September. By she, I of course mean Mickey the Evil Scheduler Girl. My adult reasoning skills tell me that Mickey the Evil Scheduling Girl doesn’t actually know or comprehend what is wrong with me, and that she’s just looking for a date. She’s not taking into account that this is cancer with the ability to free-style through my organs. I don’t know how fast cancer grows, but I do know that 30 more days of love and nourishment are 30 more days than I want to give it. She did put me on a waiting list for if anyone cancels in the meantime though, I guess, so we’ll see. I’m hoping when Dr. Kelly gets back she’ll tell Mickey The Evil Scheduler that when she said three weeks, she meant it, and then get me in sooner. I’m up for going right now if this can be over soon.
30 more days of this. Sigh. That puts us right in the midst of Labor Day weekend, the kids going back to school, and me being home alone with a 4 year old with a bottomless stomach. That’s 30 more days of worrying that this is going to morph or metastasize to other organs. That’s time that Jas has to take off work, and time that I’m not going to be able to help my kids do anything for their first weeks of school.
I thought about talking to the doctor that did the c/section for Logan to see if he could get me in sooner, but the truth is that my body is tired, and I just can’t even fathom going through all of these procedures again. It’s disgusting to even think about. I have no desire to ever do any of this crap again. So, I’ll just wait. Hopefully in a week or 2 I’ll feel a bit better, I can do a major clean streak on the house, scrub floors and wash windows and all the things that will stress me out while I’m lying there unable to do any of it, and this will give me a little time to get stuff squared away for work and really get prepared for all of this. 4 weeks. That’s not so bad, I guess. When you look at it from a glass half full perspective, it’s not so bad, I suppose.
