Are you a yeller? Because I am definitely a yeller. The day that 90% of the surfaces of my home were covered in blue paint pen compliments of my Picasso-esque 3 year old I was hoarse from screaming so much. I fight a constant battle to not do this.
I was raised by a mommy who had absolutely no problem whoopin’ my butt right in the middle of K-Mart. Right there in front of everyone. She yelled, she screamed, she hollered and she called me names in front of everyone. In the late 70’s and early 80’s little thought was given to the delicate child psyche and building their self confidence. I work pretty hard to battle my own mommy demons to not continue the cycle with my own children. That being said, I do tend to yell. Sometimes more than anyone would care to hear. I have progressively gotten better about this in my old age, but it’s still a constant struggle every day not to BE my mother.
So, I have come up with a short list of things you can do to avoid yelling. Try them out over the next week, and just let me know what your results are.
Count to 10
To count to 10 before you act, react or say a word after you’ve just learned something heinous that your child has done.
Yeah, I know. Used, re-used and sometimes hard to even remember when you’ve just learned that your grandmother’s vase was a really pretty football until someone made a failed attempt at an interception.
What the 10 Method does do for us is gives us the time and ability to collect our thoughts for a short period of time before we say something we’ll regret.
Walk Away and Calmly Discuss Later
After putting a kibosh on the activity that sent your blood pressure soaring, go do something else. Go to your happy place for a half hour, and then come back to the situation calm with all of your points for discussion organized in your head.
This method is to be used for the big things. An example would be when your 10 year old has your 7 year old in a headlock and is describing various methods of torture that are coming up in his repertoire. Or your 16 year old was just overheard discussing last night’s activities that were supposed to include prayer group and ice cream and instead the phrases “Cow-Tipping, French Kissing and Tattoo Parlor” were all used within a very short span of time.
Send them to their rooms, let them stew on it, you go do what you need to do to calm down, think it through and come up with the lesson you need to get through to them to curb this from happening a second time.
When you’re in your happy place, you can calmly organize your thoughts so that you can get to the bottom of the situation. For me, I typically get the following questions poised in my head:
• Why did this happen
• How can we avoid this happening in the future
• Who started it
• Why did they start it
• How did it make each participant feel
• Who was victimized by the “crime”
• What they need to do to make it right
And then, after all is said and done, I give them a calm, clear view of what their consequences are for this action and what the penalty will be increased to for a re-run of this type of incident.
Consistency and Boundaries
Creating an atmosphere where a child can trust your answers.
Every child needs boundaries. Without boundaries, we do not have safety. A perfect example of this (and I am OH so guilty of the following) is when your adorable child comes to you and says “Can I have (fill in the blank)”. You say “Not right now.” And then the battle begins. “Please?” “No.” “Pretty please?” “No.” “Mommmmy! Please? I just can’t live without (fill in the blank). I really need it. I want it. Please?” And the tears begin. And every mother has done this. Every last one. They reply with:
“Fine. But that is all you are going to have. No more today.”
Which then opens us up to a whole new battle that will begin about 15 minutes after the first thing was eaten, played with or cast to the wayside.
By doing this, all we are doing is teaching our children that A) They don’t actually have to listen to us at all. B) They cannot trust our answers. We say no, but we totally mean if you bug me long enough when you can plainly see I’m busy, I’m going to give in so that you will stop that caterwauling. And C) that they can push our buttons.
We need to say No and mean No and stick by it. They will whine. They will cry, they will sometimes throw their little selves down on the ground and throw the tantrum of tantrums. And, in all my 33 years, I’ve never once heard of a child leaving this world out of a temper tantrum because they couldn’t have a pack of fruit snacks or go to a football game. They’ll get over it, and after 5 or so repeated No’s, they will eventually understand that you mean what you say the first time.
Reward their excellent behavior, and let them have their tantrums in their bedrooms when they’re having a bad hair day.
Would love to hear your comments on your methods for avoiding yelling at your kids!
